Thursday, January 20, 2011

Umm... what just happened here?

Dear Michael,

We met at a mutual friend’s party, and talked for awhile.  You were apparently so smitten with me that you sent me a Facebook message saying that you “never do this, but feel strongly about it, so am going to put myself out there and ask you out.”  I wasn’t really interested, and had a boyfriend at the time anyway, so I politely declined.   When I broke up with my then boyfriend and you and I were still friendly, I still didn’t think I was into you like that, but you were a nice guy so we went on a date.  A date where you acted like I didn’t exist.   Did you forget that YOU asked ME out?   

Love (eventually),


Wednesday, January 19, 2011

What flavors do they come in?

Alright dear readers, a Mail to Males first!   Today we present our first letter from one of our beloved males.   We decided all is fair in love and war, and because we’re showing our side of the story, every once in awhile we need to feature the man’s perspective.  We’ll also be showing responses to some of our notes that we’ve already posted, as they come in.  But this story was too hillarious to pass up!  So enjoy our newest feature - “Return Male”

From our dear friend Marshall:
Just got back from the Walgreens Pharmacy picking up some prescriptions, and the line was SO LONG! But I was determined to get what I needed, so I stood there. Well, you know how your eyes get to looking at things, and you kinda start getting bored and you might just start a chat with someone …or something. Well, the lady in front of me (about 30 years old) had a box of bright and colorful striped candy, so I said “are those any good?” She looked at me, like I was out of my mind, and said “Well, they work for me.” Then I looked closer at the box, and said, “Oh Jezz, I’m sorry I thought that was a box of like, twizler candy, or something!” I’m so embarrassed!” She kinda half smiled, and said, “Don’t worry about it, men always get uncomfortable talking about “KOTEX”. Yes people, it was a rainbow colored box of KOTEX there in her hand. I got all flustered, fumbling for the right words to get out of this hole, Uh oh, NO, I mean embarrassing situation, and said “God, I didn’t know they came in different flavors and stuff.” She sarcastically said “Are you serious?’ Y’all, at this point the whole line of people kinda cracked up. Let me just say, that quickly became the LONGEST WAIT EVER! OMG! (I still wonder, why do they make them multicolored? Hmm, How strange?, but I won’t DARE ask…)

The B in BYOB does NOT stand for Blind Date

Dear George,

We both love you, and you truly are one of our best friends, but is it REALLY necessary for you to bring your practically blind-date (meaning that you barely know her, not that she can’t see) on a first date to our friend’s birthday dinner party?   Don’t you remember what happened on How I Met Your Mother when Ted brought that random girl to board game night?  Don’t make us go all Lily on your ass.

Love (even though you’re testing us),
Alice & Andie

PS - Dear readers, if you have opinions on this matter, please post them!  We’d love to show them to George.


Dear Jay,

Why did you flirt with me for a solid hour on Facebook chat and then invite me over to your house if all you were going to do was watch Conan on the couch and eat macaroni?
Seriously, I dirtied a new outfit for that!

Love (eventually),


1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

Dear Seth,

Here’s how this is suppposed to work: you and I catch one another’s eye at the bar, we start to chat, we laugh, we get along, thirty minutes later your budidies are ready to go so you have to leave …you then ask for my phone number, and we call it a night.
Why did you skip this step? You seemed to like me, are you hoping serendipity will lead us to the same place at the same time again?
Do you live in a John Cusack movie?
It was nice to meet you but seriously…. next time, don’t try and rely on fate. Ask for my digits.

Love (eventually),


Dear Matthew Bellamy,

Yes, exactly what you said here.

Love (I wish!),


Love Letter to a Random Dude on Facebook

Dear Beautiful Random Facebook man,
I can’t even believe I’m telling you this and this is totally something I’ve never done before… but, here goes:

I saw you on TV a few weeks ago and thought you were really cute. You also seemed like a really cool person, so I looked you up and friend requested you. I forgot all about it after that. Was pretty surprised when you accepted because we have zero friends in common. Anyways, if you think this is weird, I won’t be offended if you de-friend me (things will be exactly as they were before, so it’s no big deal). I figured the worst thing that could happen was you know that someone out there thinks you are gorgeous and you made her day!

If you’re ever interested in hanging out with some new people in town, just let me know. ;)

Love (I hope!),

Worst Pick Up Lines Ever, #2

Dear Steven,

I’m not sure its possible to have a double jointed tongue but even if it is, announcing this fact with a creepy smirk on your face ten minutes after we’ve met is not sexy.

Love (eventually, if you wise up),


Worst Pick Up Lines Ever, #1

Dear Random Boy in Bar (name unknown):

No, I do NOT want to “sit on your face and let you eat your way into my heart.”   Gross.

Love (no way no how),

Making the breast of it!

Dear George,

I think it’s sweet that you are such a good friend you are genuinely concerned about my stress level; however, I don’t think a “breast massage”  is the most appropriate way to help me.  How about a movie night instead?

Love (as a friend),


"ABS"olutely NOT!

Dear Boys,

When the picture you randomly private message me or put on your online dating ad is of just your abs, the only message you are sending me is that you are likely a quadriplegic with no face.

Love (eventually),


PS -  Because you’re taking it in the mirror (because let’s face it, you almost always are)- you should be able to clearly see what I’m seeing behind you. Best to clean your bathroom and/or change your Transformers sheets first before taking your pic!

Extra, Extra, Read All About It!

Dear Brad,

It was nice accidentally running into you yesterday, on a movie set of all places.
I guess you didn’t remember making out with me a year ago.
Our forty-five minute chat while waiting around as extras wasn’t awkward at all.
Totally not what I was expecting when they told me “Lights, Camera, ACTION!”

Love (eventually),


An Open Letter

Dear Boys,

I’m sick of you always talking about how much you miss your ex-girlfriend.  Sure, she might have been way cooler than me, but I didn’t dump you, so that’s got to count for something.
I’m sick of you making snide comments about how my hair, teeth, clothing, nails, weight et al are under par- yet you are consistently overweight, under shaven, and wearing the first thing you found off your floor that passed the sniff test.  Or, you are the opposite and care more about clothing, shoes, and hair than any person alive should.

I’m sick of how you constantly talk about how great your job is or how much money you make, but never take me any place really fancy.  I don’t advertise DD boobs and pull out a size A, do I?
I’m sick of those of you who are only looking for sex.   In the future, please understand that there are girls out there who give you sex with no strings attached.  They are called prostitutes.   They have their own title because they make it abundantly clear to you that is what they are for.  I do not carry that title.  How are you confused by this?

I’m sick of you never wanting to leave your house.  I’m sure your Madden Steelers vs. Saints game is pretty intense, and I’m sure it will absolutely make a difference in the upcoming football game—but does it have to be finished at 8pm on Saturday night?  What am I supposed to do on date night?
Honestly, I’m quite sick of constantly being single.  But above all else, I’m sick of your shit, so I guess that’s the way it’s going to have to be until you shape up.

Love (eventually),